O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Many years have passed since that day

Your stories are the same but the ends have all changed

You carried on like you were some type of god

Some things will never change

We went home to see our dad

We laughed and we told jokes

It was like we were young again

On that floor our mother lay dead

For so long we tried to contact you

It took death to get us back together again

But that is never going to last

You can't keep reliving your past

Screwing over the ones that you love

In the name of some new drug

So brother, raise another pint

Rev up the engine and drive off in the night

See you somewhere some place some time

I know there's better brothers but you're the only one that's mine

I know there's better brothers but this karma's the only one that's mine

How long is this going to last

You can't keep reliving your past

All this karma keeps a poundin' at my door

'Cause you screwed up some new score

So you're standing in the doorway like you own the place

With a look of smug satisfaction on your face

I'm gonna give you up and let you go

Of that I'm sure, the soul that is I will heal

But I take one look at God and I know it'll never be easy

So brother, raise another pint

Rev up the engine and drive off in the night

See you somewhere some place some time

I know there's better brother's but they'll never be mine

~ Brother by Murder by Death (slightly modified)

My brother and me are roughly 2 years and 2 months apart. I am the youngest in the family and we have two older sisters.

While growing up most of our lives, our sisters were in India. Since age 3 to 18, I have shared a room with my brother.

Then we went our separate ways when we went to US.

Somehow, over the years, I guess we have just realised we are different people and we believe in different things and we have a different view of life.

I am not saying my view is better nor saying his view is better.

But there are certain actions of his that really do piss me off and I am certain some actions of mine piss him off too (especially like writing this blog). Well, he is American, he can sue me if he wants but as I am not mentioning names, I guess there is no libel or slander. Nor do I want to be libelous or slanderous.

I feel sometimes he is a reluctant brother, like it's blood, so there is no choice, we are tied by blood. But sometimes we are like the sun and the moon. Although his name starts with the Sun and my name Nil meaning nothingness probably resonates with the moon, sometimes I admit I am the fiery one like the sun or the cold one like the dark side of the moon.

My grandparents called me Khario, which translates to salty, but more like Mr Angry. And yes, I admit, I have my anger and frustrations which are generally more in control as I become more in control.

Many years ago, the divine had decided that I would be coming back to Malaysia and sacrifice my admittance into Columbia University for PhD to take care of my parents. My brother, who originally did not even have intentions or inspirations to go to US, had also gone and now remains.

There as not been a long time that I remember that my brother and I have not argued. He knows how to press all the wrong buttons and I being Mr Angry has allowed for this to continue for all these years.

Recently, well, a few years back, my brother became and American citizen and thus gave up his birth citizenship of this wonderful country that I live in. I do not blame him, in fact, I would want to get out too someday.

So, I tried. I even asked my brother to apply for my dad in consideration of his old age and health and maybe through my dad, I could get a green card too.

All the help I got from him was an email with a website link to go apply for my dad and myself. No guidance, no help, not even a real offer to help.

Thank you brother.

Then he recently got a divorce. He had been married close to 10 years at that time. And coincidentally, the divorce came like 6 months after his Americanisation.

In his sob story that he told us, his wife had packed up half the house while he was at work and he was served divorce papers at work. And when he got home, half his things were gone.

Despite having been working in USA for more than 20 years, he did not even have enough money to pay for the lawyer fees initially and had to take soft loans from his sister as well as myself.

He looked haggard and miserable and we all felt sorry for him.

Thank you brother. I am sorry for your suffering.

However, about 6 months later, he decided to go to India to seek a bride. He looked at maybe 20 odd females to get married to and even had shortlisted 2 or 3.

Eventually none of them worked out.

Then low and behold, about a few weeks back, I was informed by my ole man that my brother and his wife were going to India.

"His wife!" I asked my dad what wife? Apparently, he had fallen in love with some girl which I was aware off. What I was not aware off was he got married.

When he got married the first time, he and I had a disagreement because although he informed his family, he never invited any of us to be present.

The second marriage is even more interesting, he did not even bother to inform.

Such is life. He shares his miseries but never his happiness. He is 44 years old and did not even have a courtesy to inform his family members that he was getting married. He did not even seek our blessings nor ask us to be present during his happiness.

When miserable, when going through divorce, he would call and talk to me quite often.

Anyway, I have not spoken to him for a while. And I guess the only reason I have a brother is through this blood attachments.

Thank you brother for allowing me this cleansing of this experience of you. I am sorry for all the pain and sufferings that I have caused you. I release you from any more pain and sufferings from my side. Please forgive me and have a wonderful life.

I am uncertain of my lives before, and what the soul that is I have experienced but it seems the soul that is I seems to have always been angry at something.

As such, in this lifetime, it is my goal to reach the state of Nil, the state of zero, the state of nothingness, where all bad memories and programming and karma are erased and forgiven. It is a long long journey. It is a journey that starts in my conscious mind, permeates into my memories and karma, trudges to my subconscious mind and finds its way through the supaconscious mind to finally reach the pure divine soul of I and to cleanse it and cleanse it and cleanse it.

The divine soul that is I is closest related to the divinity of God, as He created the I.

Everyday, every living moment, even as I write this blog, I say the four sentences none stop. I am sorry, Please forgive me, I love you and I thank you.

My blogs are many a times from my memories and negative thoughts and sometimes, the come from the I, from my inspiration. Today, it has been from my intentions and memories rather than my inspiration, and to that, I have to say I am sorry, Please forgive me, I love you and I thank you.

The pain that I feel is my pain, the pain of I and only I can through responsibility to the I, resolve this pain.

I am sorry. Please forgive me. Let this cleanse, purify, release, cut all negative memories, blocks, energies and vibrations, and I transmute these unwanted energies from within into the pure light and the cleansing is done. I love you. I thank you.

Peace begins with I, the peace of I within the soul that is I.

Take care and be well.