About Me

I have done a lot of things in my life and have also worked in many different jobs to make a living and to experience life. This blog is just some of my musings, sometimes funny, sometimes inspirational, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes simple but all the time, it's just me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pebbles in my shoe

This morning as I was rushing out to work, I had put on my shoes quickly and was sitting in the car and was about to reverse when I felt it. That irritating feeling of a little pebble in the shoe that only irritates you at a certain angle. I thought I could live with it until I got to work but as pebbles in shoes go, they are bloody irritating and you are so itchified that you have to get it out immediately.

So, the usual act, remove shoes, shake and knock the shoes upside down to remove the pebble and put the shoes back on. The pebble was still there.

It was not playing mind tricks, so again, I removed my shoes, and again knocked and swept the shoe with my finger.

Put on the shoe again and there, the pebble still was there. I then realised it was a pebble in my sock. So, I had to remove the sock and take that pesky pebble out before I was well on my journey.

You know, that's life. We get pebbles in our life all the time.

But sometimes, unlike what we do with pebbles in our shoes, we just continue and keep living with the pebbles in our lives, we hope they will dissolve without us doing anything.

What inevitably happens in life is that the pebbles become stones that become rocks that becomes boulders that becomes mountains that perhaps only Prophet Mohammad can move.

If we were just to take care of those pesky pebbles when they are still pebbles, we would not be faced with mountains to overcome all the time.

But we don't. Why is that so?

I have so many mountains that have been built up over the years plus all the boulders and rocks and stones, that the pebbles do not matter anymore, you become immune to them.

But you know what, while I wait for a plan on how to scale the mountains that have already been built in 42 years of my life, I pledge to deal with the pebbles right now. Quick wins as they say.

So, I start to deal with pesky pebbles in my life while I figure out the mountains.

I do not like something, I say it then and there and pffft, the pebble disappears, that won't be a mountain no more.

One day at a time. Deal with pebbles while scratching the head on how to scale the mountains. And scale the mountains one step at a time.

Perhaps I could get advice from the Malaysian government, looking at the construction, they are able to quickly dissolve all the hillside and slopes into apartments and bungalows. But then again, on issues that matter, they tend to make mountains out of molehills,.

So, we rely on one true God, one supreme power in the Universe, seek his help to guide me in conquering the mountains and with His blessings, destroy the pebbles that crop up in the shoes while scaling these mountains that once were pebbles too.

Take care and be well.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Leave of absence

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I would first like to apologise to people who have been reading my blog frequently and finding some peace and solace and hope in my writing.

The apology is because I have not been frequently writing about peace, hope, faith and love but recently been writing about despair, depression, trust and other things.\

In January I went on a 30 day journey which at that time was good for me and I have been on quite a roller coaster journey since returning from Sarawak last year.

Coming home is not necessary good but sometimes one goes away to run away from the issues and problems they have in life.

Sarawak was my escape.

Returning back to KL, I really had a culture shock and in no time was against the wall that I had tried to break through previously.

Work sucked, money lacked, nobody seemed to care and nobody seemed to understand. I was again at my wits end.

Recently I realised I have been doing things for others, loving others, serving others but not once have I really loved myself.

Yes some people can be selfless, but they are prophets and son's of God. I, as far as I am aware, is no prophet although sometimes my writing can be prophetic.

Currently, I find that I do not love myself. Thus, lacking this love within my heart has been tearing me apart. And that loving myself is the key to getting past this concrete great wall that stands in front of me.

It is a realisation that I need to love myself. How, I am not sure. All suggestions from you readers are welcome.

My journey is going to be interesting, a journey to love oneself is a journey within.

I have been devouring books, from Japanese writes, to African to South American. I have been searching for the topic of love. I have been going to church in order to search the message of Jesus, after all Jesus was sent to this earth with a message of love.

I have been going through the Jain Sutras and the Hindu Vedantas as well as Bodhisatva in search of this.

I have been reading one self help book after another, books from likes of Dr Phil and Dr Darren Weissman who talk about infinite love and gratitude. I have been reading up more on Ho'oponopono and other shamanic methods.

I have been taking courses in Reiki and other holistic areas, doing meditation, seeing psychics, reading Tarot cards.

And despite all of these, I am still on the wrong side of the concrete wall. Maybe that is the thing, maybe this is the end, maybe it is best for me to turn around and walk all the way back but I am no Benjamin Button.

Thus, I am also apologising as I have not been writing frequently and in this journey within myself to find the love within, I will be writing less frequently. Mainly because I do not have the motivation and I have nothing to say.

I wish it was as simple as being the Grinch who in the end had his small heart grew three times.
"He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more! And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of *ten* Grinches, plus two! "

So folks, with this, I seek a short leave of absence to find myself, to find love within me, to enjoy my life once more. Perhaps I never did before. Perhaps I have always been an intense of a person. But the wall is in front of me and I can go on no longer this same way.

Until then, perhaps in a few weeks, or a month or so ....

Take care and be well.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Taking the shackles of my feet, but I still can't dance

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you
In the corners of mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That I can break free
Cause you see I have been down for so long
Feel like the hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstance
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you
Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gon lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it anymore
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you
Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Praising, my shackles been taken off my feet but I still can't dance. I guess the shackles have been on for too long that the feet have forgotten how to dance. Or the mind has forgotten the steps. Or the heart has forgotten the spirit.

Got to find the spirit and love in the heart. Got to let the mind be free again. Just taking the shackles off just would not do. Free my mind, open my heart, go within, find that love for love will conquer all.

Take care and be well.