About Me

I have done a lot of things in my life and have also worked in many different jobs to make a living and to experience life. This blog is just some of my musings, sometimes funny, sometimes inspirational, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes simple but all the time, it's just me.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Leave of absence

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I would first like to apologise to people who have been reading my blog frequently and finding some peace and solace and hope in my writing.

The apology is because I have not been frequently writing about peace, hope, faith and love but recently been writing about despair, depression, trust and other things.\

In January I went on a 30 day journey which at that time was good for me and I have been on quite a roller coaster journey since returning from Sarawak last year.

Coming home is not necessary good but sometimes one goes away to run away from the issues and problems they have in life.

Sarawak was my escape.

Returning back to KL, I really had a culture shock and in no time was against the wall that I had tried to break through previously.

Work sucked, money lacked, nobody seemed to care and nobody seemed to understand. I was again at my wits end.

Recently I realised I have been doing things for others, loving others, serving others but not once have I really loved myself.

Yes some people can be selfless, but they are prophets and son's of God. I, as far as I am aware, is no prophet although sometimes my writing can be prophetic.

Currently, I find that I do not love myself. Thus, lacking this love within my heart has been tearing me apart. And that loving myself is the key to getting past this concrete great wall that stands in front of me.

It is a realisation that I need to love myself. How, I am not sure. All suggestions from you readers are welcome.

My journey is going to be interesting, a journey to love oneself is a journey within.

I have been devouring books, from Japanese writes, to African to South American. I have been searching for the topic of love. I have been going to church in order to search the message of Jesus, after all Jesus was sent to this earth with a message of love.

I have been going through the Jain Sutras and the Hindu Vedantas as well as Bodhisatva in search of this.

I have been reading one self help book after another, books from likes of Dr Phil and Dr Darren Weissman who talk about infinite love and gratitude. I have been reading up more on Ho'oponopono and other shamanic methods.

I have been taking courses in Reiki and other holistic areas, doing meditation, seeing psychics, reading Tarot cards.

And despite all of these, I am still on the wrong side of the concrete wall. Maybe that is the thing, maybe this is the end, maybe it is best for me to turn around and walk all the way back but I am no Benjamin Button.

Thus, I am also apologising as I have not been writing frequently and in this journey within myself to find the love within, I will be writing less frequently. Mainly because I do not have the motivation and I have nothing to say.

I wish it was as simple as being the Grinch who in the end had his small heart grew three times.
"He puzzled and puzzled till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more! And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of *ten* Grinches, plus two! "

So folks, with this, I seek a short leave of absence to find myself, to find love within me, to enjoy my life once more. Perhaps I never did before. Perhaps I have always been an intense of a person. But the wall is in front of me and I can go on no longer this same way.

Until then, perhaps in a few weeks, or a month or so ....

Take care and be well.


Anonymous said...

My friend,... you ask..

It is a realisation that I need to love myself. How, I am not sure. All suggestions from you readers are welcome.

how much time you give to yourself is the measure of your love to yourself...

anju said...

God is there..............in our tears.....................
God fill into our hearts.......when it pains a lot................
God is with us every time............our parents................
God comes in.................. as a sweet friend holding our hand in vain.............
God fills up..............a warm wind in those hot afternoons..............
God comes in..........a child hugging you and kissing you when you sit tried.....................
God walks with us.......in those late evenings retiring after a hectic day.......................
God takes up responsibility finding you a better half............your life partner..............
God is the only person allowed to communicate to you to me....every time,anywhere without permission.......
So is god there.......................................really there...........................feel him by loving you........i know he is within you...........HOPONOPO..........TC AND B WELL:)

Glenda said...

It's not always easy to love yourself - you may be filled with doubts about your self-worth and think that others do not love you. When you treat yourself with compassion, acceptance and kindess, you will learn to express yourself better allowing others to love you - even when you think you are not loveable. Everything revolves around God's love. God, who created the universe by His Word, is the source of love. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).

Steve Finnell said...

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