About Me

I have done a lot of things in my life and have also worked in many different jobs to make a living and to experience life. This blog is just some of my musings, sometimes funny, sometimes inspirational, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes simple but all the time, it's just me.

Monday, February 28, 2011

I see you, I talk with you, and I listen

I can talk to God, He listens and He answers.
I can talk to my guardians, they listen and they guide.
I can talk to animals, they connect telepathically through the animal kingdom.
I can talk to spirits, they do not bother me too much.
I can talk to the living, and some of these are the most vicious.
Because they don't always listen, help, guide or care.
Because they don't always tell the truth or are honest.
Because they judge others before they look at their own lives.
So when I am quiet,
It is not because I am proud and aloof,
It is not because I am deaf or stupid,
It is simple,
It's because I have better conversations with the "other beings" 
Compared to the living human beings.
And if I speak to you, it is more because you care for me
And thus I care for you and I am grateful for your being.

It has been a miraculous journey since I returned to live in the city from the balanced life in the smallest city in Borneo.

I love the country life as much as the city life but the hustle and bustle of the big city sometimes gets to me.

It is not because of the traffic jams and the malls and the hustle and the bustle. It is not because of the higher cost of living and the ever increasing prices of food or the safety and theft concerns.

While all of the above are real concerns of the city life, what really gets to me is the lying. Yes, lying.

People in the city lie more than people in the smaller areas. The bigger the cities, the bigger the liars.

I do not know if there is any research to this but this is my perception. So, I tend to shut-up in KL more.

But last year when I came back, I have been on a very conscious journey of improving myself, and myself is not my body which I have rented for this lifetime, myself is the inner being of me, the soul is me, I am the soul.

Everyone refers to their soul as my soul, like a possession. "This is my car, this is my house, this is my bed, this is my chair, this is my soul."

I have already written before. I do not have a soul. I am a soul, I have a body.

And that is that. I am a soul, connected to the divine powers that be of the Universe, to God. And God is connected to me. As a divine soul, I am part of the divine DNA, part of God's DNA.

Over the years, I have evolved. Over lifetimes, I have evolved.

In this lifetime, in this borrowed body, I have visions of my past lives, my present life. I have visions of God. And I have visions of my guardians and angels.

The only souls that have hurt me in this lifetime are the living souls.

The animal souls, the dead human souls, the other dimension's souls, the ascended masters, and even God - I do not fear them, I love them all.

And I have always loved the living souls too, but they are the once that have caused hurt.

So, it is with the miracle of my guidance, and my ability to connect with God and his Universe, to the souls over the Rainbow bridge, to the Ascended Masters and to myself .... I have improved myself.

Through various means like getting back to my basic prayers and meditation with Aum, through discussions, through Reiki, through Al E and other friends of his, through Mahavir, through Kriya Baba, through Prityangara Dewi, through Jesus, through Budha and through their messengers currently living, through God ... I have become I.

I am a soul. I don't have one. I have a rental body.

I enjoy the company of few. And few enjoy the company of me. And that is perfectly fine and finely perfect.

Like Dr Suess say, those that matter, don't mind; and those that mind, don't matter.

Oh the places I will go with the knowledge and wisdom I have gained and continue to gain. The journeys I have been on and the journeys I will go on. The animals that I have seen and cherish as I go through this journey. The learning's from the ascended masters and God.

I am soul; I am this soul, going through various journeys in various vehicles that I have borrowed for that journey. But my main DNA remains up there with God while my sub DNA continues on its journey in various borrowed bodies.

If we happen to meet each other and we souls have the connection, it will be such a wonderful and beautiful experience and a fabulous journey it would be. And if we souls meet and do not get along, it was never meant to be, it was there as a creation of karma, manifestations of evil and bad.

Here's to my miraculous and fabulous journey in this body of mine. This ends my February blogs of miracles and I have yet to decide if March has a theme yet. Maybe March theme will be about friendships or it will be about pets or about both as a dog is, after all, a man's best friend.

Take care and be well.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Aum ॐ is the word, is the way we are feeling

I solve my problems and I see the light
We got a lovin' thing, we gotta feed it right
There ain't no danger we can go to far
We start believing now that we can be what we are
Aum is the word
They think our love is just a growing pain
Why don't they understand, It's just a crying shame
Their lips are lying only real is real
We stop the fight right now, we got to be what feel
Aum is the word
It's got groove it's got meaning
Aum is the time, is the place, is the motion
Aum is the way we are feeling
We take the pressure and we throw away
Conventionalitly belongs to yesterday
There is a chance that we can make it so far
We start believing now but we can be who we are
Aum is the word
It's got groove it's got meaning
Aum is the time, is the place is the motion
Aum is the way we are feeling
This is the life of illusion
Wrapped up in trouble, laced with confusion
What are we doing here?
We take the pressure and we throw away
Conventionality belongs to yesterday
There is a chance that we can make it so far
We start believing now that we can be who we are
Aum is the word
It's got groove it's got meaning
Aum is the time, is the place is the motion
Aum is the way we are feeling
~ Grease lyrics changed to Aum :)

I was just thinking of the Grease song while doing meditation and I thought how interestingly the Grease lyrics fit to the word Aum, Aum is the word, is the word, is the way we are feeling. It's got groove, it's got meaning. Aum is the time, is the place, is the motion.

Breathe in, and say AUM slowly as you breathe out.

ओम एकाक्षर पञ्चपरमेष्ठिनामादिपम् तत्कथमिति चेत "अरिहंता असरीरा आयरिया तह उवज्झाया मुणियां"

Aum ekākṣara pañca-parameṣṭhi-nāmā-dipam tatkabhamiti ceta "arihatā asarīrā āyariyā taha uvajjhāyā muṇiyā"

"Aum" is one syllable made from the initials of the five parameshthis. It has been said: "Arihanta, Ashiri, Acharya, Upadhyaya, Muni" .

Aum is creation, Aum is the Father, Aum is Brahma, Aum is birth, Aum is.

"The goal which all the Vedas declare, which all austerities aim at, and which men desire when they lead the life of continence is Aum. This syllable Aum is indeed Brahman. Whosoever knows this syllable obtains all that he desires. This is the best support; this is the highest support. Whosoever knows this support is adored in the world of Brahma," Upanishad I.

Aum is a sacred syllable representing Brahman, the impersonal Absolute of Hinduism — omnipotent, omnipresent, and the source of all manifest existence. Brahman, in itself, is incomprehensible; so a symbol becomes mandatory to help us realize the Unknowable. Aum represents both the unmanifest (nirguna) and manifest (saguna) aspects of God.

Although Aum symbolizes the most profound concepts of Hindu belief, it is in use daily by many people.

Many begin their day or any work or a journey by uttering Aum. Some say Amen and Amin also derived from Aum.

I say Aum very frequently in a day, sometimes while driving, sometimes while in the shower and always when going into meditation. I also have a Aum pendant given to me by my mother.

According to the Mandukya Upanishad, "Aum is the one eternal syllable of which all that exists is but the development. The past, the present, and the future are all included in this one sound, and all that exists beyond the three forms of time is also implied in it".

Aum is not a word but rather an intonation, which, like music, transcends the barriers of age, race, culture and even species.

It is made up of three Sanskrit letters, aa, au and ma which, when combined together, make the sound Aum or Om.

It is believed to be the basic sound of the world and to contain all other sounds. It is a mantra or prayer in itself. If repeated with the correct intonation, it can resonate throughout the body so that the sound penetrates to the centre of one's being, the atman or soul.

There is harmony, peace and bliss in this simple but deeply philosophical sound. By vibrating the sacred syllable Aum, the supreme combination of letters, if one thinks of the Ultimate Personality of Godhead and quits his body, he will certainly reach the highest state of "stateless" eternity, states the Bhagavad Gita.

During meditation, when we chant Aum, we create within ourselves a vibration that attunes sympathy with the cosmic vibration and we start thinking universally.
The momentary silence between each chant becomes palpable. Mind moves between the opposites of sound and silence until, at last, it ceases the sound. In the silence, the single thought—Aum—is quenched; there is no thought. This is the state of trance, where the mind and the intellect are transcended as the individual self merges with the Infinite Self in the pious moment of realization. It is a moment when the petty worldly affairs are lost in the desire for the universal. Such is the immeasurable power of Aum.
Okay, a blog that is a little serious, but this the miracle of Aum.
One simple word will change your world, your vibrations, and this vibration will change your surrounding, and this surrounding vibration will change the world, and the worlds vibration will change the universe, and universe is ultimately connected to God, and He will listen.
It is a time of turmoil where unrest looms in the middle east, where floods and earthquakes happen where they should not, where the weather patterns have changed dramatically and where inflation is so high.
It is a time where in the USA only 11% of the population owns 80% of the wealth and these percentages are no different elsewhere. In India, about 5% of the population earns 90% of the wealth.

Breathe in and say AUM slowly as you exhale. Meditate with Aum, if it helps, use the video below to help. Let's spread the vibrations of AUM, let's change the world.

Take care and be well.

Friday, February 25, 2011

We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody

Amy Grant's song says it all. We pour out our miseries and God just hears a melody.

Many people go through many problems and miseries. Misery of divorce, drug addiction, alcoholism or a shocking disease. Some are miserably lonely. Some have lost a dog.

And through our miseries we remember God and we seek God's help and guidance. And all God hears is a melody.

Imagine how sweet God will hear our melodies when we thank Him for a great day, a wonderful promotion, a bonus, when a loved one says they love you. A birth of a child, a birthday, the joy of an anniversary.

Many of us forget to think about God during this time.

It's like my earlier story about Jesus having cured ten men of leprosy but only one went to actually thank him.

Many people forget to thank God for the daily miracles.

Nowadays, divorce is becoming so common, it is likely the easiest way lawyers make money. When one goes through a divorce, based on my knowledge from family members and friends who have gone through it, it is never easy.

There is always pain and hurt and people tend to seek help from family members, friends, church, God.

Even Amy Grant went through a divorce.

She said this about her divorce:
"I didn't get a divorce because I had a great marriage and then along came Vince Gill. Gary and I had a rocky road from day one. I think what was so hard—and this is one of our counselors said—sometimes an innocent party can come into a situation, and they're like a big spotlight. What they do is reveal, by comparison, the painful dynamics that are already in existence."

But why do we forget God, why do we forget family members, why do we forget friends during happy moments?

Someone close to me does not even bother to let me know of their joyous marriage, another friend does not even bother to call or say hello despite having been close for years, an old friend for 30 years just ends friendship over a small miscommunication, an old boss and friend criticises you when their own life has been less than ideal.

Yes, I am disappointed in these people. Yes, it hurts. But this is my manifestation of my karma. To that, I pray to God the divine, "I am sorry, Please forgive me, I love you and I thank you." I also say Mornah's prayers. And as my Jain religion has taught me, I become detached. Through detachment and through infinite love and gratitude, my soul will find the redemption and peace required.

We tend to get lost in our on joy, we become selfish.

For me, every joy in my life is shared with someone, with God, with a loved one, with a family member. Let us rejoice in the joy of this thing called life.

When the world especially the middle east is in so much turmoil, yes, let's pray for peace. But let us also rejoice that we have food on our plates, that we have water and air to breathe, that we have a job, that we are loved.

And for once be grateful to God for all the good things too. Let Him hear our miseries but also let him hear our joy.

Take care and be well.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

महावीर அருகன் Mahavir

I am all-knowing and all-seeing,
and possessed of an infinite knowledge.
Whether I am walking or standing still,
whether I sleep or remain awake,
the supreme knowledge and intuition
are present with me---constantly and continuously.
There are, O Nirgranthas, some sinful acts
you have done in the past,
which you must now wear out
by this acute form of austerity.
Now that here you will be living restrained
in regard to your acts, speech and thought,
it will work as the non doing of karma for future.
Thus, by the exhaustion of the force of past deeds
through penance and the non-accumulation of new acts,
(you are assured) of the stoppage of the future course,
of rebirth from such stoppage,
of the destruction of the effect of karma,
from that, of the destruction of pain,
from that, of the destruction of mental feelings,
and from that, of the complete wearing out
of all kinds of pain.
~ Majjhima Nikaya

Mahavir महावीर
Arugan or Arugadevan அருகன்

It is the name most commonly used to refer to the Jain Indian sage Vardhamana who established what are today considered to be the central tenets of Jainism.

According to Jain tradition, he was the 24th and the last Tirthankar.

Many believed and as written in scriptures, he was born on 599 BC and ascended on 527 BC.

He is also sometimes known as Wira or Wiraprabhu, Sanmati, Ativira,and Gnatputra. In the Buddhist Pali Canon, he is referred to as Nigantha Nātaputta.

Yes, so our Proton Wira is technically named after Mahavir.

In a place called Kundalagrama, District Vaishali, Bihar, 27 miles from Patna in modern day Bihar, India, Mahavira was born to King Siddartha and Queen Trishala on the 13th day under the rising moon of Chaitra (April 12, 599BC according to the Gregorian calendar).

I am sure there is some coincidence that he was born in April 12 on a year of a Rooster in the Chinese Zodiac and an Aries in the Western Zodiac. Coincidentally, he also ascended on the year of a Rooster in 527 BC.

I was born on April 6 on a year of a Rooster as well as an Aries.

While still in his mother's womb it is believed he brought wealth and prosperity to the entire kingdom.

Which is why he was named Vardhaman. An increase of all good things, like the abundant bloom of beautiful flowers, was noticed in the kingdom after his conception.

Queen Trishala had a number of auspicious dreams before giving birth to Vardhaman, signs foretelling the advent of a great soul.

Jain tradition states that after his birth, Indra bathed him in celestial milk with rituals befitting a future Tirthankar and he was returned to his mother, Trishala.

Vardhaman's birthday is celebrated as Mahavir Jayanti, the most important religious holiday of Jains around the world.

As King Siddartha's son, he lived as a prince.

At that tender age he exhibited a virtuous nature. He started engaging in meditation and immersed himself in self-contemplation. He was interested in the core beliefs of Jainism and began to distance himself from worldly matters.

However, he did not renounce his kingdom and family at a young age because his parents said they would be sad.

As he did not want to incur further karma of the sadness of his parents, he remained a prince.

After his parents died and his elder brother assumed the kingdom, he assisted his brother for a few years.

Finally, with his brother's blessings, at the age of thirty, Mahavir renounced his kingdom and family, gave up his worldly possessions, and spent twelve years as an ascetic.

During these twelve years he spent most of his time meditating. He gave utmost regard to other living beings, including humans, animals and plants, and avoided harming them. He had given up all worldly possessions including his clothes, and lived an extremely austere life.

He exhibited exemplary control over his senses while enduring the penance during these years. His courage and bravery earned him the name Mahavir.

These were the golden years of his spiritual journey at the end of which he achieved arihant status.

Mahavir devoted the rest of his life to preaching the eternal truth of spiritual freedom to people around India.

He traveled barefoot and without clothes, enduring harshest of climates, meeting people from all walks of life who came to listen to his message.

At one point Mahavira had over 37,000,000 followers.

Mahavira's preaching and efforts to explain Jain philosophy is considered the real catalyst to the spread of this ancient religion throughout India.

At the age of 72 years and 4 and a half months, he attained Nirvana in the area known as Pavapuri, Nalanda, Bihar on the last day of the Indian and Jain calendars, Dewali.

Jains celebrate this as the day he attained liberation or Moksha.

He organized his followers, into a four fold order, namely monk (Sadhu), nun (Sadhvi), layman (Shravak), and laywoman (Shravika). Later on they are known as Jains.

The ultimate objective of his teaching is how one can attain the total freedom from the cycle of birth, life, pain, misery, and death, and achieve the permanent blissful state of one's self. This is also known as liberation, nirvana, absolute freedom, or Moksha.

He explained that from eternity, every living being (soul) is in bondage of karmic atoms, that are accumulated by its own good or bad deeds.

Under the influence of karma, the soul is habituated to seek pleasures in materialistic belongings and possessions. Which are the deep rooted causes of self-centered violent thoughts, deeds, anger, hatred, greed, and such other vices.

These result in accumulating more karma.

According to Jain scholars, Mahavir himself had 27 life including his last life.

Mahavira’s previous births are discussed in many Jain texts like Trisastisalakapurusa Charitra and Uttarapurana.

While a soul undergoes countless reincarnations in transmigratory cycle of samsara, the births of a Tirthankara are reckoned from the time he secures samyaktva or Tirthankar-nam-and-gotra-karma.

His 27 lives were as follows:
  1.  Nayasara – A village headman who secured or partial enlightenment in this birth on account of preaching of true dharma by Jain monks.
  2. Demi-god in First Saudharma (Name of Heaven as per Jain cosmology)
  3. Prince Marichi – Grandson of Rsabha, the first Tirthankara.
  4. Demi-god in Fifth Brahma (Name of heaven as per Jain cosmology)
  5. Kaushika – A Brahmin
  6. Pushyamitra – A Brahmin
  7. Demi-god in First Saudharma
  8. Agnidyota – A Brahmin
  9. Demi-god in Second Ishana (Name of heaven as per Jain cosmology)
  10. Agnibhuti – A Brahmin
  11. Demi-god in Third Saudharma
  12. Bharadwaja – A Brahmin
  13. Demi-god in Fourth Mahendra (Name of Heaven as per Jain cosmology)
  14. Sthavira – A Brahmin
  15. Demi-god in Fifth Brahma
  16. Prince Vishvabhuti
  17. Demi-god in Seventh Mahashukra (Name of heaven as per Jain cosmology)
  18. Triprishtha Vasudeva – First Vasudeva of this half-time-cycle
  19. Naraka in the seventh hell
  20. A lion
  21. Naraka in the fourth hell
  22. A human being (Name unknown)
  23. Priyamitra – A Chakvartin (The universal ruler of seven continents)
  24. Demi-god in Seventh Mahashukra (Name of heaven as per Jain cosmology)
  25. Prince Nandana – Accepted the vow of self control and gained Tirthankara nama karma.
  26. Demi-god in tenth Pranata (Name of heaven as per Jain cosmology)
  27. Vardhamana Mahavira (The final birth)
He preached that right faith (samyak-darshana), right knowledge (samyak-jnana), and right conduct (samyak-charitra) together will help attain the liberation of one's self.

At the heart of right conduct for Jains lie the five great vows:
Nonviolence (Ahimsa) - not to cause harm to any living beings
Truthfulness (Satya) - to speak the harmless truth only
Non-stealing (Asteya) - not to take anything not properly given
Chastity (Brahmacharya) - not to indulge in sensual pleasure
Non-possession/Non-attachment (Aparigraha) - complete detachment

A lot of the information above is taken from various sources from the Internet. There are not many books in English about Mahavir or Janism.

As the Internet goes, there are some truths and some fiction. In my younger days and researching, I concluded that Mahavir was not married. However, some sites have said that he was married and had a daughter and his wife was Yashodhara. The thing is, Yashodhara was actually Siddhartha Buddha's wife.

Some of these confusions come around because both Budha (563-483 BC) and Mahavir (599-527 BC) existed in their last lives and maybe even previous lives together. They may even have met, they may even have been friends - considering both were Princes.

Over the years, when I was younger, my knowledge of Jainism and Mahavir came from my mother.

I would pray to God and the tirthankars especially Mahavir and Mahavir would provide me with guidance and direction.

As I grew up and became "educated", I started dabbling into other guardians and prophets. I read and studied the Bible, the Quran, the Buddhist scriptures and books, the Kabbalah, L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology, Indigenous religions.

Over the years, I have always known there is just one God, one supreme Universal power, one Allah, one and only one.

He sent us many guardians and teachers all over the world to teach us about life and love. Sometimes about pain and suffering. Sometimes about faith and hope.

Mahavir has been prominent in my life. And it could be Jesus in yours, or Mohammad or Buddha. They are all miracles, if you believe in miracles. I do.

They all teach us to be better, to love, to be one with God.

I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Take care and be well.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Internet is a wonderful tool, a miracle of my time

I was sitting here
Typing words
When suddenly a wasp appeared
Buzzing loudly
Obviously annoyed
And looking very weird
A massive wasp
It must have weighed
A couple of pounds!
Heading straight for me
To some eerie
Buzzing sounds
Then it disappears
Down the neckline of
My shirt
Starts stinging me
Did it hurt
In panic now
I tear my shirt from
Off my back
But it slides down
And continues
it's attack
I'm terrorised
As it moves into
My boxer shorts
Buzzing round
Dreadful thoughts
I rip my trousers off
And throw them
to the floor
And then my shorts
No clothes on
The wasp flies off
Here stands a naked
But thankful man
Then, in horror I notice
My newly purchased
WEBCAM is on!
~ Paul Bearer

I graduated in a Bachelor's degree with a major in Psychology and minor in Communication.

When I graduated in 1991 and first started working in 1992, there was no Yahoo, Google, Facebook or even the Internet.

The Internet boom happened in the mid 90's, like 1994 to 1996.

In Malaysia, even later.

I was just amazed by some level of Intranet communications we had within the company I worked with.

The Internet is truly a marvelous invention that has allowed for me to blog, for me to connect with friends via e-mail, Skype, Facebook and other Internet based tools.

I came from a generation where you had to write letters. And the letters you wrote became keepsakes.

I came from a time when laziness meant you did not have many friends. As having friends meant leaving your home and meeting up with friends or writing to friends far away.

I lost most contact with friends in the USA while I was studying as most of them graduated and moved away and we were all too busy and too lazy to write a letter and post it in the mail.

Yet to this day and age, receiving a letter in the mail is more exciting for me that receiving an email. Receiving a phone call is more precious than a chat on Internet Messengers.

But there is the wonderful Internet and with it things like e-mail, Facebook, Skype etc. which costs a person pittance in terms of money to use and therefore people have less excuses for not keeping in touch.

The Internet is a marvelous tool that I can write what I want in my blogs, be it about me, my visions, my journey or the people in my life.

It is so wonderful that I can receive e-mails telling me I have won a billion pounds from some African country or I can get some free penis enlargement therapy.

It is so wonderful that faceless anonymous people can leave comments and say what they want.

Recent comments include:
Anonymous : Great writing talent! Discussing family details in public is not such a lovable or polite or civilized action, especially between husband and wife of another soul living in the same hut...
One must start truly loving and forgiving not simply subscribing to ideals.
Everyone gets crappy, washing dirty linen in public is not what anyone who has a tinge of morality does...
Blogging is fine, respecting others while we blog is a very clear line that should not be abused.
One Guju To Another One
PS Gandhi was a Guju. Espounging (sic) global ideals but not accepting ethnicity is either an inferiority complex or plain hypocrisy!

Of course I know who anonymous is, the funny thing, he is expunging ideals by being anonymous. But that is the wonderful thing about the Internet. People can remain anonymous. But nevertheless, Mr. Anonymous, your post comment is published.

Subramani: An ultimate free guide to find Genuine online jobs,part time jobs, data entry jobs, internet jobs. START your Home Based Online Jobs Right Now without any investment.

Thanks for sharing Subramani but leaving a job comment on a blog about someone miraculously surviving a near death experience seemed inappropriate for me to publish.

Romantic: Hello Nil, nice poetry; I have a romantic sex shop please leave me in your blog, thank you very much.

Thanks Romantic for your link to your sex shop, but again, it seemed a very inappropriate comment to publish for a blog on building eternal bridges to God. I know God love me and I love Him but I do not think he would like to see me in a g-string to a dildo or something.

Frank: The city's budget gap could grow if state and federal aid are further decreased. Officials anticipate losing at least $22 million in direct state aid。A lot of women like to buy new shoes,but some are very expensive. nice and cheap ugg boots is on display right now at Harrods ugg clearance in London, but once released, will there be a market for it? The new green luxury car gives the environmentally conscious executive cheap uggs clearance the option of powering the CT 200H by either electricity orjordan basketball shoes by regular petrol. Lexusugg women is banking on the belief that there is a growing demand for a greenJordan Fusions. vehicle in the luxury car market.(sic)

Thanks Frank, again I did not publish your comment in my blog about “You don’t have a soul.” I guess you are just trying to market some ugg boots but I think my soul needs more than some ugly shoes.

Anonymous: Hope your heart heals from the perception that you have my dear friend. 30+ years is a long time to carry a grudge over things that matter not ... wish you all the best in life.

I very much think this anonymous is the same anonymous above, grow up and leave your name bro. But yes, things do not matter, I do not hold a grudge, I just have a good memory. I need to let go of some of these memories.

I received an email recently about doing some blog survey from Lina Lee. It said this:
Hello there,
I’m Azlina from Universiti Sains Malaysia, Penang. I am currently doing a research on Malaysian Bloggers as part of my Masters degree in Social Science (Psychology). Your blog has been selected and I would sincerely be grateful if you can participate in my study. In this research, I am interested to understand more about your blogging experience. If you are indeed 18 years old and above, and willing to spend a few moments of your time to complete a survey to help with my research, please answer the questionnaire in the link below as soon as possible. If you have any questions or concerns about this survey, you may email me at xxxxxxxx@xxxx.com.
I sincerely appreciate your time and consideration!

Interestingly, her questionnaire was on self-disclosure among Malaysian bloggers. About how much people disclose in their blogs. And yet, she had not given her full name in the email above nor the title of her thesis or her Professor who was sponsoring this research until I wrote to her and she replied rather rudely.

Ah, Internet, it is such a wonderful miraculous invention.

Like I said, the Internet is a wonderful invention that allows people to communicate. It allows for interesting comments on Facebook and in blogs. It allows for interesting followers. I have 194 followers, maybe I personally only know 4 or 5 of them. Some of my followers are wonderful, and some are a little weird, but nevertheless, I hope I inspire them and they get some message to improve their lives like I have my life.

My life has improved when I started communicating to God again.

The thing is, people those days, the time of Jesus, Mohamad, Mahavir, Budha, Kriya Baba, Brahma, Krishna, Vishnu, Shankar – they did not have the Internet. And they communicated with the masses, and they communicated with God. Not through Skype, or IM, or Facebook nor mobile phones

(Although I saw Kriya Baba in Facebook recently and started wondering, maybe the rest were on Facebook too?)

The communicated through their voice, through their deeds and to God through telepathy.

The same way, ever since I was young, I communicated to God. No email, no Facebook, no Internet.

And I communicate to my God and my guardians daily. And I have changed the course of my life around based on their guidance. I write based on their guidance.

My name is Nil Timbadia, this is what my friends call me, this is not a pseudonym and the picture in my blog is me, a nude shot by a good Photographer friend of mine.

You can send any comments you want, you can trash me, you can praise me, you can follow me, you can be my friend. It is your choice, the Internet is a wonderful miraculous invention that allows you the choice.

My choice is through the guidance of God and my wonderful guardian to send you infinite love and gratitude.

Take care and be well.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The meaning of life

Be happy
Show up
Follow your heart
Find a new perspective
Have a sense of wonder...
Find people you love...
Set goals
Help Others
Pamper yourself...
Face your fears...
Go to a museum
Limit television
Get in touch with nature
Lighten up
Get a good night's sleep
Read books
Buy yourself flowers
Don't compare yourself with others
Don't beat yourself up
Be open to new ideas
Don't focus on negative thoughts...
...Focus on creating what you desire
Make time just to have fun
Keep the romance in your life
Make a gratitude list
Love your Mother Earth
Want what you have
Be true to yourself

The YouTube above was originally posted by my cousin on Facebook.

The illustrations and the captions are from the book Be Happy: A Little Book to Help You Live a Happy Life by Monica Sheehan.

The music is "Cuore di Sabbia" (Sand Heart) by Pasquale Catalano, from the soundtrack of the Italian movie Mine Vaganti (Loose Cannons) directed by Ferzan Ozpetek.

So, is your life really that bad?

Life has simple pleasures and simple miracles.

What of the above have you been doing lately? Let's not judge others. What have you done? Me, honestly?

Be happy - not really, it has ups and down and lately I am not happy. I strive to be happy.

Show up - sometimes I am there but I am not actually there. Showing up means being present and alert.

Follow your heart - I mostly follow my heart, this I do, but sometimes t negative consequences.

Find a new perspective - I always try to find a different perspective to things, to be a better person.

Have a sense of wonder - this I do, I always have a sense of wonder. I am easily amazed.

Find people you love - I am lucky to have my wife and my dog by my side. People say love sometimes hurts, it does not. Love is love, it is pure and kind. But it is hate and jealousy that hurts.

Set goals - I have set goals, short term, medium term and long term. Now to achieve them.

Help Others - I always do but this is an area where I want to increase - to help people more or help more people.

Dance - I used to, now we have stopped and it needs to start again.

Pamper yourself - I usually do, but there are sometimes limitations.

Face your fears - this past year, I am beginning to face my fears and my inner demons.

Go to a museum - I love museums, went to a few in 2009, and 2010 but not yet in 2011.

Exercise - this I have failed, need to start Pilates soon.

Limit television - somehow, this has just naturally occurred. I am hardly watching as much television as I used to in previous years.

Get in touch with nature - I wish there was nature nearby but I do go to the jungle every month or so. But I take time to listen to the birds and the squirrels in my back garden.

Lighten up - I have been a little bit tense lately, I do need this.

Get a good night's sleep - oh how I dream of this.

Read books - I read lots of books. This area is well covered.

Buy yourself flowers - I have never bought myself flowers. I am going to my mother in law's place later and I think I will buy myself some flowers.

Don't compare yourself with others - one of those difficult things to do because of inner demons but I am getting better at this.

Don't beat yourself up - I try not to, but when others beat me, I tend to start beating myself up too. Weird isn't it. Need to get away from these S&M tendencies.

Be open to new ideas - I am so open to new ideas and very receptive to things.

Don't focus on negative thoughts - again something I need to take control over from my inner demons.

Focus on creating what you desire - something that I need to do consistently rather than on ad-hoc basis.

Make time just to have fun - I usually do, but I think need to have more fun.
Keep the romance in your life - wife and I are close and love each other to bits, but sometimes need to keep the spark going, I can't be working like how I have been.

Make a gratitude list - I make a daily gratitude list.

Love your Mother Earth - I love Mother Earth and Our Father in Heaven.

Want what you have - I always want what I have, sometimes I just want more.

Be true to yourself - as I have not fulfilled 100% of the criteria above, I cannot say that I am always true to myself, although I am striving to be there.

So think about it honestly, where are you on the list above? Share it with me if you want.

It has taken a lot of miracles and faith to get me where I am and the lessons I have learned on the journey are invaluable. But the journey of my life is still long and many more lessons and wonderful things to learn as well as teach. I will get there one day, and I hope you will too.

Take care and be well.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

What do people live for?

This are not people I know, but it was shared on Facebook. And definitely something worth to watch.

It is a true story and while the narration is in Chinese, there are English subtitles. It is about 5 old blokes in Taiwan, all suffering from arthritis, one from cancer, three from heart disease ... average age 81. This is their story, their miracle, this is what they lived for.

So, what do people live for? Think about it.

What are you living for? Watch and think about it.

I am having a clearer and clearer picture of what I am living for. I want to live my life passionately. What is passionate for me may not be passionate for you. So, I will not judge you and please do not judge me.

I want to love completely, 100% love, to myself and to anyone in my life, even if they have hurt me, I send them my love.

I want to learn humbly. I have learned from younger and older, people who are in the top and people from the streets, sages and beggars, men and women, grandparents and grandchildren. Most of all, I learn a lot from God and His guardians, my guardian.

And I want to leave a mark on this world, make a difference, even if only to one person, even only to a single soul and then I will leave this world boldly. When I die, I want to be proud of my legacy. Not just some ashes strewn away in the sea and forgotten the next day ~ that is my body, but people will remember my spirit, my soul and the difference I made in this world.

Take care and be well.

Friday, February 18, 2011

And it is done

Divine creator, father, mother, son as one
If I, my family, relatives and ancestors
have offended you, your family, relatives and ancestors
in thoughts, words, deeds and actions
from the beginning of our creation to the present,
we ask your forgiveness
Let this cleanse, purify, release, cut
all the negative memories, blocks, energies and vibrations,
and transmute these unwanted energies into pure light
And it is done.
~ Mornah's Prayers

Daily, I am digging into my heart and with difficulty I bear my soul. I have sinned. Which one of us have not? But this is not a judgement on others, that is not my role.

I have manifested this existence of mine, I have manifested the good and the bad, and many a times we tend to dwell on the bad.

In January I started this journey. It is a miracle for me to have stumbled upon the book. A book I stumbled upon many times before, even bought as a gift for a friend. And in the end, some divine inspiration in me as me to pick the book up and go through the 30 day journey and to change my life around.

It is a process and everyday is a new day. My issues have not dissolved magically, but daily there are miracles.

However, sometimes, I feel like I have reached a wall, I become frantic and desperate, and then I say Mornah's prayers above and I say "I'm sorry, Please forgive me, I love you, Thank you." to all my issues.

Many different clairvoyant people keep telling me I am an old soul. For a long time, I did not know how one would measure an age of a soul. But also, for a long time, I have been born in a faith that believes in reincarnation.

As such, in my faith, for someone to be ascended, the soul must have done good deeds throughout his life and asked for forgiveness for any sins that he may have committed.

To be reborn over and over again for thousands or hundreds of time basically means the soul is not ready to be ascended, likely because of the many sins committed as well as the refusal to seek for forgiveness.

Thus, being an old soul is not something that I looked at positively, but with the heavy burden of an old soul and many sins from generations and lives of past.

I also did not believe that murderers and rapist could become religious and join certain types of religions and their sins will all be forgiven by God.

However, I do believe that God will forgive anyone who is truly seeking forgiveness in his heart.

I do believe in God, in one God. And I believe God has many angels and guardians sent to protect us.

I have been disillusioned about religion before but never about the existence of God, of his Universal power. Never once I have considered myself to be an atheist.

Some people talk that the suffering you face in this lifetime is karma, something manifested from your soul in this lifetime or even previous lifetimes.

But if suffering is karma, then should also be all the good things experienced in life, all the miracles and all the blessings received, this too should be karma.

Despite many miracles and blessings in my life, life is sometimes a struggle.

Some people seek God only when life becomes a struggle.

I seek God and my guardian daily, they guide me in my daily chores and in my daily struggles. Yes, sometimes, the answers are not straightforward and not as forthcoming, but I do receive divine guidance and inspiration.

However, sometimes, all of us, we get divine inspiration, we get inspired for the moment and that is it. We do not do anything further. We get back to the daily grind, to the rat race, to the busyness of life of doing nothing and achieving nothing.

Friends come and go in our lives. Some good, some bad. Teachers come and go in our lives, again some good and some bad.

In good, there is bad; and in bad there is good. This is the principals of Yin and Yang; a perfect balance of good and bad; and good within the bad and bad within the good.

It is what we make of the good and the bad and what we make of the lessons that we learn along the way.

If God tells you to be kind consistently, and you heed the advice for 2 days of the week and not for the other 3 days; you have failed. If your guardian says, "Write." What do you do?

I have said this before, I am not God, and I am not an angel, nor am I a divine guardian.

I am me, this is who I am.

I work in a full time job.

I love writing, so I started a blog. I aspire to write a few books.

I sometimes struggle to pay the bills like many of us in this day and age where costs of things keep going higher and higher.

I enjoy a nice holiday.

I dream of being wealthier, healthier and wiser. I hope and pray that I receive some guidance to achieve that.

I am doing my best to live my life passionately, to love everyone completely, to learn from people humbly and when God tells me that my time is up, I will leave boldly.

Many miracles have happened in this lifetime of mine and I am certain many miracles have happened in previous lifetimes.

God loves us all dearly, we just have to learn to love God back completely, to truly open our hearts.

This old soul of mine, I think is tired, and when God says my time is up in this lifetime, I do want to leave boldly and hopefully never come back.

As such, I seek forgiveness from all. There are many miracles and I pray this is given to me with eternal love and my gratitude is infinite.

Divine creator, father, mother, son as one ....If I, my family, relatives and ancestors have offended you, your family, relatives and ancestors in thoughts, words, deeds and actions from the beginning of our creation to the present, I ask your forgiveness. Let this cleanse, purify, release, cut all the negative memories, blocks, energies and vibrations, and transmute these unwanted energies into pure light ..... And it is done.

I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.

Take care and be well.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The body, it crumbles; grace and vigor, depart.

What do you see people? .......What do you see?
What are you thinking......when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ....not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes?
Who slurs his words ....... and dribbles his food.
When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice ....the things that you do.
And forever is losing .............. A sock or a shirt?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes......you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am ....... As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .....as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters ......who love one another
A young boy of seventeen ...........with the burden of his family
Dreaming to be a doctor ......... but working in a dock.
A groom soon at Twenty four .........my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows........that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-eight .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ...... And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ......... Another young one comes early,
Bound to each other ......... With ties that should last.
At thirty-two and thirty-four .... Two sons come after the daughters
At thirty-five, my young daughters ........have been sent away,
But my wife's beside me........to see ! I don't mourn.
I drown myself ..... in my work and earning money,
Hardly ever able to .... spend time with my sons or my daughters.
At Fifty-three, once more, ......... my Son's leave the home,
Further their studies ....... Away from home.
Four years later ...... one son returns,
And another son ........ remains away forever.
Dark days soon come upon me .......... My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ...........I shudder with dread.
For my young are all away .......in lives of their own.
And I think of the years...... And the love that I've known.
But sometimes dread ..... of the love I have not shown.
I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
'Tis jest to make old age .......look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass ...... A young guy still dwells,
With hope for my children ...... and love for them all,
Soon I hope ..... God will unite me with my loved wife,
And life will start again ....... for this soul of mine.
~ Anonymous and significantly modified by Nil

This is among my most difficult post and the poem says most of it. It is not easy to write a complete story and hopeful I will do justice in this post. Hopefully, it will get a bigger chapter in one of my future books.

I stand in awe of my father, sometimes I stand in fear and sometimes in anger. However, most of all, I stand in front of him with love.

My father was born in 1934, and for a 77 year old man, he is relatively quite healthy, independent and strong.

When he was 16, studying in high school, apprenticing with a medical doctor, he had dreams of becoming a doctor himself.

However, due to the war, and misunderstanding between his father and his uncle, his father (my grandfather) retired early.

The burden than fell on my father, being the oldest in the family, to go out there and start earning and supporting his parents and young brothers and sisters.

He started working in the dockyards in Calcutta and soon made his way to the dockyards in Penang, working for the same uncle that cheated the father.

My father's earlier working life has been one of being cheated or being deceited. He worked with his uncle, whom cheated his father and eventually my father felt cheated too.

Then he worked with his "mamma", another sort of uncle, a friend, they started their own business. He got cheated there too.

He decided to go back to India but was persuaded to come back after 1 year. He worked as a proxy director in MWE, here he thrived but it was short lived.

Then he worked in Patel Holdings, again, he was cheated over here of income and other monies owed to him.

For a while he was without a steady income, and started something with the late director of Kamdar where he was also somewhat cheated.

Finally, he went to Alka Ria, where he remained a director for a long time until his retirement. At the same time, he was a silent director of another wholesale carpet company where he made his money too.

While he has been cheated in many companies, mainly run by Guju's, he has always made his money, somehow. His luck has been good.

That was his work life, in brief.

At home, when I was 11 months old, my 2 older sisters were sent to live and study in India. This was due to a "big event" that shook the Guju community in Penang. That is a story for another time.

When I was growing up, my dad would be working so hard on weekdays and even Saturdays and sometimes even Sundays, that the most I saw him was likely on a Sunday.

When we went to school, he would be sleeping and when we went to sleep, he would not be back from work yet.

But on Sundays, we had fun, we had picnics, we had family outings, we did stuff together.

My father was always strict but he never really raised a hand on us or beat us except for that one time I got slapped.

My father was always kind but after many years of being conned, I think he became hard, his heart became hard too.

My father was always a generous man especially with food, and again, I think because of his past and his karma, somethings have changed over time.

When my mother died in her sleep suddenly about 12 years ago, my father changed. Some for better and some not so.

Despite all the hardships in his life, he is a wonderful person, and he has been blessed with many miracles in life.

And he will continue to be blessed with many miracles in life before his time is up, and God has not decided yet when that would be.

He has gone through a lot of challenges in his life, yet through God's miracles, he has strove and he had done well.

I do love my father, dearly and with all my heart. I am sorry for the hurt I have cause him. I seek his forgiveness. And I thank him for being there, when needed.

Once my father lives passionately, loves completely, learns humbly, he will definitely leave boldly.

Take care and be well.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Love is in the air

Love is in the air
Everywhere I look around
Love is in the air
Every sight and every sound
And I don't know if I'm being foolish
Don't know if I'm being wise
But it's something that I must believe in
And it's there when I look in your eyes
Love is in the air
In the whisper of the trees
Love is in the air
In the thunder of the sea
And I don't know if I'm just dreaming
Don't know if I feel sane
But it's something that I must believe in
And it's there when you call out my name
~ Paul Young

I first laid eyes on my wife in 1994. She and two of her University mates had joined The Sun newspaper as industrial trainees where I was a senior journalist. I was a busy news journalist and barely had time for trainees and therefore came across as arrogant.

We journalist, however, knew how to have some fun. It would be off to one pub or another or many times to the Press Club for drinks after a long day of work.

My wife did not like me when we first met and I would say at that time the feeling was quite mutual.

However, guys those days, we are of a different generation, maybe the last generation of the lost legacy of being a gentlemen.

After one of those late nights in Press Club, the duty came to me and another friend of mine to drive the ladies back.

He took all the ladies living in PJ and Subang on his way back home in Subang and I took the ladies living in various part of KL on the way back to my little room in Bangsar that I was renting.

On the way to dropping off the ladies, which included my wife, I was telling the girls about this wonderful Italian restaurant in Holiday Inn on the Park called Mario's. None of them had ever been there, so I offered to take them the next day for dinner.

Sadly, all of them said no except for my wife.

As it was just me and her, I decided to make the best of things and make a date out of it. So, that was our 1st date, on 30th April, 1994 and I guess we have never looked back since.

From someone that did not like me to someone that adores me, from someone I did not fancy to someone I respect and adore.

I guess God had made the decision that day. There were a number of other girls interested in me, but they said no, and it was never meant to be.

We got married about a year after she graduated on a Friday on 27th December 1996.

In all our years of marriage, the love has become stronger and stronger. Despite many obstacles on the way, which we now accept as challenges and manifestations in our own lives, our own karma.

Many people and many incidents and many things, even the past, sometimes comes in as a hurdle to break us, but we both stood firm and overcame these things.

There is no such things as perfect, nobody is perfect, nobody has a perfect marriage but we do have a darn good one.

We are not the couples that spent money and buy gifts just on Valentine's Day, in fact, we do not even celebrate the day.

We celebrate every day of our lives together, we share gifts of laughter and joy and prayer and love each day together.

We exchange gifts when we feel like it.

We do celebrate things like our birthdays and anniversary and Christmas, but we celebrate a lot more than that.

We celebrate life, we live a passionate life, we love completely, we learn from one another humbly and when the day comes, we will leave boldly and proudly.

Few people will ever know the complete true story, or the full picture. Few people will care. But what we have as husband and wife, to me, it is a miracle.

God has not blessed us with any children of our own, and one day, we plan to adopt. But nowadays, we are the best parent our little furry boy could have. And when we do have a human child, we will be the best possible parents to the child too.

God has not blessed us with riches and wealth and sometimes like many of us, finance can be a struggle. But our love, our faith guides us through and we always have abundance.

God has blessed us a lot, and He has loved us a lot and to that, we are both eternally grateful.

Take care and be well.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Slipping and sliding

Slipping and sliding
Falling and crying
Slipping and sliding
Hurting and regretting
Slipping and sliding
Hungry and angry
Looking and hoping
Trying and waving
Nobody was helping
Looking and hoping
for warmth and hope
and when no hope was left
on a verge of giving up
a bright shining light
a stranger in the night
a warmth soul and heart
stopped and guided me
back to where
I was longing to be
~ Nil

On a winter evening in mid January 1990, I arrived in Wasau Airport in Wisconsin.

The promise of a pick up from the Foreign Student Office in University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point was futile. In the letter of acceptance, they said they would pick me up after had faxed them my pick up time and date, which I had done about a month back.

I arrived, and I waited, and nobody came to pick me up. I tried to call the number provided but it was weekend and nobody was anywhere near the office to pick calls up.

So, I went to the taxi counter after waiting for about one and a half hours and took a taxi.

The female taxi driver knew which residence hall to take me too and duly drove the half and hour trip from the airport to the hall as the winter afternoon got darker and darker.

As we arrived at the hall, the lights were off and there was nobody in sight. The weather was extremely cold for a Malaysian who had just come from the warm tropical climate to the cold winter of Wisconsin.

The taxi driver was nice enough to call the campus security who came and guided us to the right hall.

As I entered the right hall, I was given a room by the hall director. After a while, in the dark evening of winter, I felt hungry and asked the hall manager for directions to a diner nearby.

I was given some basic directions, but being in a new place, I got lost.

I was wearing the wrong pair of shoes for winter and in my desperation to find a diner or the hall again, I got lost more and I slipped and slide and fell on my butt close to twenty times.

There was no life in the street I was at, the wind grew cold and bitter and I was wondering if I would die in this cold winter night of frostbite.

I then saw a church, and there was an evening service that had just completed. I asked for help, I ask for guidance but nobody would stop to help this colored boy in this mid-western town.

I felt that even if churchgoers would not be kind enough to help a lost stranger, they were as cold and bitter as the cold and bitter wind that was going down my spine from the lousy winter jacket I had on. My socks were wet from all the snow and my feet were wet and numb.

Then a bright car light shined on me and a stranger in the car asked me if I needed help. It was a new town, I did not know anyone and I was not about to get in the car with a strange white man in a town filled with cold bitter hearts. At least that is my feelings at that time.

 He then introduced himself as the assistant basketball coach from the University, he showed me his tag and he again asked me if I needed help.

I told him in tears that it was my first day, I was looking for some food and then go back to this hall which I no longer remember the name. I told him I had arrived a few hours back and now was walking aimlessly in a town I barely knew.

He told me he thought that he knew which hall I would be in as his basketball players who had to come in early were also staying there. He said he will take me to the hall so that I could try my key and if that did not work, he will call the campus security to help me.

As I reached the hall, he waited for me to try the key on the main door and to my delight it worked.

God send me this angel when I was lost in the streets of little Stevens Point and despite my hunger, I was grateful to be back to the right place.

The next day I gave an earful to the foreign student office and about a month later, I went to the athletics department to look for the assistant basketball coach. I found him and I thanked him again for saving me that cold winter night in January.

God has blessed me with many miracles and living angels as well as guardians and angels from the spiritual world and I am grateful.

Take care and be well.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Amma/Mummy/Mother un karuvarai

Meendum oru murai vendum
amma-un karuvarai!
Endrum naan mazhalai
amma-nee vaalum varai!
Iravilum pagalilum
enakkena thudithaai!
Kanavilum naan azhuthaal
thidikittu vizhithaai!
Yentha thavamum naan-seiya villai
unnai peruvatharku!
Eni yentha varamum thevai illai
pothum nee enakku!
Kaduvul kudutha karuvai yaavum un-kannil olikirathu!
Indha ulagam marantha paasam nesam unnaal vazhkirathu!
Un thyagam solla mozhikal illai!
Yentha theivamum
un-eedu illai!
Ennai pathu maatham unnul vaithaai-
un uyirai pidithu azhaipu viduthaai!
Meendum oru murai-vendum
amma un karuvarai!!!
~ Ranjith

In Hindu religion, Parvathy is considered to be the Goddess mother and also considered as the supreme Divine Mother or Lady and all other goddesses are referred to as her incarnations or manifestations.

She was the wife of Shiva/Shankar and was mother to Ganesha, the Elephant God.

In Christianity, Mother Mary is the mother of Jesus, the son of God.

My mother in law, or Amma as I affectionately call (although some people dislike this term of endearment), is an embodiment of both Parvathy and Mary. She is not a goddess or never gave birth to the son of God, but she endured a lot and she is such a wonderful, generous, loving person.

This is the story of Amma.

Mummy, Amma, grew up in a little town in Tamil Nadu in a Brahmin family. The father was a Brahmin priest in the temple. She had maybe close to ten siblings. Her mother died at a young age. And unable to take care of the daughters, the father gave away most of the daughters to a convent.

So, my Amma pretty much grew up in a convent surrounded by strict nuns and priests and I am sure it was not at all like Maria in The Sound of Music and I doubt the Mother Superior was as nice or understanding.

Nevertheless, she grew up in the convent, with her other sisters. And soon was studying to be a nurse but had to drop out of nursing school as she could not stand the sight of blood.

Then she was trained to be a teacher. And I am sure she was a wonderful teacher.

Soon, as things went during those days, she was arranged to be married to this young handsome looking fella from a small town she had never heard of somewhere in the northern part of Malaysia.

Life in India was not easy and never easy even until now, so she agreed to start her life in a strange part of the world with a strange man she hardly knew.

She was married in the convent itself in the small town she grew up in.

As she took the long ten day trip across the Indian Ocean from Chennai Port to Penang Port, throwing up from sea sickness every other hour and losing a lot of weight, she arrived tired, exhausted but filled with hope for a new beginning.

This was in 1970.

Soon after, my wife was born as their oldest daughter and Princess. For a long time, the happy family remained happy, joyous. After 5 years, came another daughter and then another daughter soon followed in the following year.

The family was like any other typical Indian family at that time. Husband being the breadwinner, wife the housewife and the children being children but disciplined enough to behave.

However, this happiness was not to last. about 16 years after marriage, the breadwinner passed away of a massive heart failure in his sleep, leaving behind a wife who hailed from India and three relatively young children.

However, Amma was not to let this crash her world. She did not pack her bags and go back to India with three young kids in tow.

She knew this was her country now and her children will grow up in this place as the place she once called home in India had not much future for her children.

She hardly spoke any Malay or English but managed two jobs while feeding the kids, paying the rents and the bills. There was some help but never enough. There was the husband's government pension but that too was never enough.

But did Amma give up? She never did.

She had a teenage daughter, and 2 younger ones to feed and for them to grow up comfortably. One of my sister in law's is Down Syndrome and those days in Malaysia, we did not have special education school to cater for her. In fact, we barely do these days.

But Amma used her teaching background and taught her Down Syndrome daughter at home while the other 2 went to normal government schools.

Eventually, after 4 years, my wife, the eldest, was lucky and blessed enough to get admitted in a local university. She studied hard and did well in the University.

On the third year, she met me, on the fourth year, I met Amma and soon after she graduated and started working in a bank, we got married.

Meanwhile, the youngest daughter too completed he studies and again through a miracle of God was admitted to a local university.

Amma was left in a small town with her other child who she loved dearly but without the strength and company of her other daughters, she fell into a depression.

However, we were attuned enough that we had decided that it was time they moved to KL. Amma and her daughter moved with us in our little apartment and we are a happy family.

Once the youngest child completed her studies, she got a job and then eventually also bought an apartment.

While Amma was staying with us, we also found a special needs school for the other daughter which she still goes to until today.

Amma has been through a lot in life, and every step has been guided by blessings from God despite the many challenges she has faced in life. She has never given up faith and believe in God and always has been guided by God. She never ends a conversation with me or my wife without saying God bless you and she always prays for us.

Amma is such an amazing person, I am moved and in awe of her. Many people nowadays do not have time for God nowadays, they are too busy, they are too much into their own world. But Amma, she prays everyday, she believes in miracles, she believes God will guide her through her challenges and she has had many, some of which I prefer not to divulge above due to privacy and stigma concerns.

God bless you Amma, I love you infinitely, I'm sorry for all the times I may have caused you hurt and pain, Please forgive me and thank you for loving me like a son rather than a son-in-law.

Take care and be well.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Falling fans and Desperate times

As I lay me down to sleep
The fan spins above me with speed
The mosquitoes buzzing around
on a warm summer day
The street below becomes still
I lie awake thinking and thinking
And then I hear something ....

Some of my new and young readers and followers have sent me some miracles of theirs.

As I have always said, miracles happen everyday, no matter how big or how small. It is some divine intervention, some event that changes you and your perception.

Sneha sent me her story as below. If you want to catch up on her blog, just click on her name. It is a new blog and I am sure she would appreciate more readers, comments and advise. Anyway, here goes. I have edited to correct some spelling and grammar. This is her own writing.

It happened three years back, I was trying to sleep but could not. I just kept staring at ceiling lying on my bed. Some issues related to my studies kept me wide awake.

My bed is just bellow ceiling fan and somehow unknowingly I kept staring at fan and its movement.

Then all of sudden, my fan made some cranky noise and in no time it started falling down in my direction. I let out a frantic cry and I knew this was end of my world as I knew it.

But all of sudden something happened and fan stopped right above my face….. barely 10 inches from my face.
I have no idea what happened and how the fan dropped and stopped just 10 inches above me.
Within no time my parents came rushing in my room. They switched on the light and this was when I saw a small wire was holding the fan up and this kept the fan from falling obviously right on me.
The wire was stretched to its max and it is surprising how a small wire can hold such a heavy fan.
It is miracle to me and I do believe it was God’s hand which stopped this accident.
I don’t even want to think what would be my condition, if that wire wasn’t there. Probably my body would have got millions of cuts from the fast moving fan.
My parents and I do believe it is indeed a miracle. If not miracle I would not be here to submit this story and praise God.
I am glad Sneha came out unscratched from the incident to share with me such a lovely story.
Another story is of another friend. This person was happily married, had a wonderful husband and three wonderful kids.
Her happiness was destroyed when her husband was diagnosed with cancer and they tried everything and spent all their money for his treatments  but not long after, cancer won the fight and she lost her husband.
She had three young kids and while she was educated, she had not been working for a long time.
As all their savings were spent on the cancer treatment and there were monthly bills to pay for the house, car, utilities and she had to feed her three children.
She applied for various jobs, any job, hundreds of jobs. She went for dozens of interviews, asked many friends to help. And yet, she could not find a job. No friends nor family members were helping out.
Despite being quite pious and praying, she had reached her brink.
Bills were piling up and creditors and banks were after her. She was in the brink of losing the house.
She dropped to her knees and prayed to God, she told God that she has tried and now really needed His immediate help. She wanted Him to show the way, to guide her.
Next day, while scouring the newspaper ads for jobs, she came across this job and she immediately applied and even called. She had the qualifications and they called her in for an interview.
After the interview, the interviewer said that they wanted to hire her. The job was as a warden in a boarding school.
As such, the interviewer said the job would mean she would have to stay in a residence within the school provided for free. She was told that her food and bills in the residence would be paid for. She was also told that she could have her children with her and as an employee of the school, the children will not be required to pay school fees.
In desperation and in desperate times, the miracle appears.
I believe that miracles are there all along, God has his angels and guardians looking after us, but sometimes, when we are happy and we are not having too many problems, we tend to ignore God and our angels and guardians that are there for us.
When my time is up, I will leave boldly. But God and my guardian have provided me enough miracles to keep moving on in this life, there is still work for me to be done, and I will gladly do what has been planned for me.
Tomorrow, I hope to write about another wonderful mom with three children and how she managed to bring up her children wonderfully after becoming a widow at a young age. This wonderful person in my mother in law, whom I affectionately call Amma. Until then ...
Take care and be well.