About Me

I have done a lot of things in my life and have also worked in many different jobs to make a living and to experience life. This blog is just some of my musings, sometimes funny, sometimes inspirational, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes simple but all the time, it's just me.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Restless trepiditious spirit searching for some serenity

No ghostly or spiritual presence.

No sounds of the waves hitting the shores of Luak Bay.

No wind blowing through the gaps below the door.

The night air is still and quiet.

Only the noise of the fan blades rotating endlessly on this hot and humid night.

Every now and then a vehicle passes by on Jalan Bakam - the only noise disturbing the still silent night outside.

It is 4:00am.

Why am I awake? Did I ever sleep? Am I sleep walking, sleep writing this blog?

In the vagueness of my memory, I recall that I was also awakened by my trepidation for the last few days, maybe even weeks.

Some days at 2am, some days at 4am, some days at 5am ... but awakened nevertheless.

Every now and then my vehicle passes by on the road to trepidation.

As it has been the past few days or weeks.

There is the apprehension and anxiety of the move ... but the trepidatious feeling goes beyond the move.

If it was just the move, it would be rather tolerable to manage.

The anxiety and the apprehension will still be there, but it would be concentrated on the move.

Currently, the trepidatious feeling goes beyond.

It culminates from the things I know, things that I am aware of, things I can control but also includes things that is still beyond my awareness and beyond my control.

So, I meditate, calm down my palpitations heart and pray.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have to learn to accept things I cannot change. No matter how difficult it can be.

I generally am quite courageous and do try to change things that I can. I have the confidence.

I have the wisdom to deal with my trepidation. After all, wisdom is experience plus knowledge plus action - all of which I have to deal with the change.

But serenity is what I have to find.

As I sit here and slowly close my eyes
I take another deep breath
And feel the wind pass through my body
I'm the one in my own soul
Reflecting my own inner light
Protect the things that hold me in
Cradling my own inner child
I need serenity
In a place where I can hide
I need serenity
Nothing changes, days go by
Where do we go when we just don't know?
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing?
And when will we learn to control
Tragic visions slowly stole my life
Tore away everything
Cheating me out of my time
I'm the one who loves
No matter wrong or right
And every day I hold
I hold me with my inner child
(modified from Serenity, a song by Godsmack)

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Take care and be well.

1 comment:

Ser said...

Well said...I am sure you will think of something.